Kale chips ahoy! Last week it was announced that Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop is partnering with Celebrity Cruises on what I would consider a perfectly titled initiative: Goop at Sea. Not many specifics have been shared about what will surely be the greatest opportunity for guinea pig journalism and think pieces since the dawn of Instagram itself, but according to the Celebrity Cruises website, guests will “have the opportunity to engage with Goop Founder & CEO, Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop’s chief content officer” and “work with their very best healers.” The corresponding writeup on Goop’s website also promises “plenty of surprises—and goopy perks—along the way.” Given that I spent the better part of my weekend (lovingly) hypothesizing about what the itinerary might entail, I felt a need to share a list of the most promising fruits of this mental labor with you so I can gut check them outside the hallowed halls of my private brain labyrinth. Proceed below with caution, because I really let the ‘ol imagination run wild.
Vagina Candle Making
Goop’s recently released “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle (note of geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes juxtaposed with Damask rose and ambrette seed for $75) sold out in 24 hours, so I fully expect a cruise class led by international scent experts wherein attendees can concoct candles that smell like their vaginal ideals interspersed with essence of sea spray.
What comes after goat yoga is a question I’m sure has been weighing on you for some time now, which is why it’s my pleasure to report my prediction that Goop at Sea will likely provide an answer. Goats are a hard act to follow, but if anything can raise the bar to the next level it’s chinchillas, don’t you think? They’re cute enough to set social media aflame and agile/dry enough that I’m fairly certain they would thrive aboard a cruise ship.
Honeybee Bath Time
I envision many baths being taken on this cruise, partly because Goop loves baths and partly because there’s something about being on a large ship floating in a body water that makes you want to enjoy the meta experience of floating in a smaller body of water within that body of water, or so I assume. I also feel like a bath would be the perfect medium through which to engage in apitherapy–a.k.a. the practice of letting bees sting you on purpose, which Gwyneth has personally endorsed–not only because the branding opportunities are endless (honey-scented bubble bath formula and “Meant to Bee Stung” bathrobes, anyone?) but also because you could always duck beneath the artificial waves if you no longer wanted to be stung by a thousand bees.
If you’re familiar with some of Goop’s more notable episodes of break-the-internet uproar, then you can probably recall that time they published a recipe for “Sex Bark,” which is basically chocolate that makes you want to take your clothes off. I’m banking on the potential for Goop at Sea to take this concept one step further and have attendees whip up a batch of Sex Bark while also legitimately barking–in the vein of a friendly seal–as a means of loosening up and shedding the bondage of societal norms in an effort to prepare for whatever horniness-induced actions arise after the consumption of the chocolate.
According to a legendary Goop story, you “probably have a parasite,” which means that anyone attending Goop at Sea probably has a parasite, which means parasites will undoubtedly be a topic of targeted interest for the promised healers aboard. The goat milk cleanse cure is a little passé at this point, and doesn’t necessarily lend itself to maritime living, so I’m guessing the wellness practitioners might suggest an alternative approach… like, say, visualization: Close your eyes and picturing exactly what your parasite looks like. Pick up a pencil and draw it if you’d like! Does it have bulbous eyes? A tail? A penchant for Old Céline? If the sayings are true (know thine enemy, keep your friends close and your parasites closer, etc.), then I think this strategy will be highly effective.
I know in my heart of hearts that there is a logical successor to Goop’s beloved vaginal steaming and my heart of hearts tells me it’s boob poaching. Boob poaching is an entirely hypothetical practice not dissimilar from poaching a piece of salmon, except instead of immersing fish in hot water you are immersing your breasts in hot water and the result is not a delicious dinner but rather a décolletage that is significantly softer than it was prior to treatment. Sorry in advance for bringing up vaginas again. Actually, you know what, you’re welcome for bringing up vaginas again.
I’m hard-pressed to think of another instance in which Gwyneth Kate Paltrow has been confined to a boat in the middle of the ocean, surrounded by her most fanatical fans, so whether or not the opportunity to observe her every waking move is included in the official itinerary, it’s safe to assume that guests will budget plenty of time for this unprecedentedly viable activity. What is she wearing? In what manner is she breathing? How many times has she used the word “goop” in a nautical pun? Provided I can convince Austin to ditch our current honeymoon plans and replace them with a stint at Goop at Sea, I can’t wait to find out.
Photos via Getty Images.
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